I feel as though no matter what I do or where I go, all I get is stepped on. I know in my heart that I am a good person and I know that what goes around comes around but it would be nice if everything I’ve given to people came back to me for once. I work hard, I really do. I’m human, of course there are things I will mess up on. I understand that I have screwed things up before but for everything I’ve screwed up there, have been a million things I’ve gotten right. All I hear is how I need to change this, or do this, or fix this. Is it that hard to tell me I’ve done a good job? I crave it. I really do. Even just a simple “nice work” would be great. I understand you get mad sometimes and that anger kind of takes over, trust me when I say I understand that. The only reason I’m able to move on from you being so mad is because I do the same thing. But the difference between you and me is that I sincerely apologize later and I make it up and I absolutely do not let it happen in the work place. It’s not fair how you are treating me and I can’t say anything because last time I did say something to someone, I lost something very important to me.
Stop fucking with me.
There was a moment, a fleeting moment, where I was fascinated by him. He was by no means attractive in the physical sense, but he was as broken as I was when I first met him. His heart was pure and sweet and I think that’s what broke him. I don’t know if he remembered me but I thought of this boy often. He was always so nice to me. He used to sing to me in art class. Before my mouth was able to form the word “hello,” my legs carried me out the door and to my car as the cashier handed me my bags. I think about him often, the broken boy. I hope one day I see him again.
How do you know that the best you can do is what you’re doing right now? How do you know that? How do you find out your limit? How do you know when to call it a day? Is there truly a “best” in your abilities? Am I wrong to think that right now is the best I can do? Am I wrong to think that right now is not what I can do?
I know what I have to do, now I just have to do it. I’m struggling with something that is easy for a lot of people, does that make me weak? Maybe I should stop relating myself to others. Or is that is that what I’m supposed to do, challenge myself? That brings me back to the original question, though; how do you know what the best you can do is what you’re doing right now?
Are we just supposed to bleed ourselves dry trying to be as good as the others? Is that ambition? What life tells us is worthy of admiration?
What is your best?
I have found that when thoughts are spoken, the person who was brave enough to speak them is judged. In reality, it’s only the person being judged, not the thoughts themselves. I, myself, am guilty of judging one’s thoughts simply on the premise of the person. Two people could have the exact same thought about something and I may think one is silly just because I know the person. It’s just human-nature, I guess. I’m not blaming anybody or criticizing anybody for doing so, just pointing out the facts.
So I’ve chosen to keep myself out of this equation. When you read my thoughts, I want you to read them for them, not me. Who I am is inconsequential to this blog. This blog is for the thoughts of the anonymous and that’s why.